Drakken Balboa
by tsujigiri
Summary: Pre graduation, during a time when things aren't going so well for his evil ventures, Drakken attempts to improve things by emulating an unlikely role model and tries a new scheme.  Also Shego gets embarrassed
1. No evil mojo

Takes place pre 'graduation' I guess. With apologies to the many people I will almost certainly plagiarise as I type this. Also, if I owned KP, I would have sent her down the mines to work a long time ago...

This story is purely for laughs, I'm sure there will be many inaccuracies, fallacies and probably other negative –cies. So, if I make anyone who reads it chuckle, my work here is done.

**Drakken Balboa**

It had been three weeks since the destruction of their last lair and their narrow escape. In that time they had performed several minor bank heists, shopped for secluded resort properties (remote location, helicopter access and indoor plumbing required. Local source of carnivorous fish, open tectonic rifts, regular dry thunderstorms preferred) and bickered. Often all at once.

Shego had taken a brief vacation, which hadn't ended well. By mutual consent, they had agreed to never speak of Drakken's singularly misguided attempt to 'save' her again. For once he had escaped even the intimation of physical violence because, (he liked to think) he had meant well. The fact he had industrial grade blackmail material was purely incidental in his mind. Suffice to say his routine check up phone call had interrupted her... alone time. Misinterpreting the moans he heard (she accidentally answered when trying to hang up), he had rushed to her aid, cutting open her suite roof with his hover car mounted laser. It was immediately apparent to him that she was in no danger, (though the device in her hand certainly looked somehow - sinister - to him) but then all hell broke loose. Plasma blasts, Laser blasts, the hover car completely out of control and a great deal of cursing and screaming were a given. The hotel fruit bar was destroyed in spectacular fashion. Kitchen appliances were involved. Witness reports of a giant squid landing in the hotel pool remained uncorroborated.

But the humiliating part was that Drakken felt somehow obligated to reimburse the hotel. Not to mention pay for therapy across the staff. The realization he had done this lead the eccentric blue scientist to whine:

'Damn it Shego, I just don't feel evil enough!'

His (occasionally) loyal sidekick looked up from her game of 'furious birds – special villainous edition':

'Gee, it's taken you this long? What gave it away? Was it the success at selling ice creams and cupcakes? Or the attempt to become a hip hop star?'

Drakken brought his hand to his forehead – those had seemed like good ideas at the time! He responded indignantly:

'Shego – you know perfectly well those were all part of greater plans! Those were _evil _cupcakes'

Shego half smirked behind her phone; this was almost too easy. Not that it would stop her, of course. Putting a tone of bright enthusiasm into her voice she replied:

'Evil cupcakes Dr. D? Well then I'm looking forward to other sinister confectionary based schemes – I can't wait for the sweet taste of revenge!'

'Why thank you Shego, I'm glad you und- hey, you were being- grr- that was –argh urgh-'

She gave another twisted smile

'Words – Dr. D, words'

'Unnecessary!'

Drakken boomed, punching the air with both hands. He began to pace back and forth in front of his control console, clearly in a state of some agitation, muttering all the while. He had to brainstorm a sublimely evil scheme. And it wouldn't involve any comestibles. He would show her alright:

'...perhaps... soft cushions of horror... no, maybe global decaffeinator ray... elaborate hacking of gaming networks...?'

Shego sighed; maybe she should try to get Drakken on form, he just hadn't shown the same level of inventive megalomania since the... incident. And she knew it was this state when his best schemes came out. She wracked her brains; she had definitely heard something about a new breakthrough in direct mental/cybertronic interfacing technology. Something about monkeys able to move a cursor on a screen, or operate a robot arm by thought. She knew the evil genius he held, and she grudgingly acknowledged, could really do something with that. Hopefully it would only require a couple of thefts on her part too, she really wanted time to get the high score on furious-

'Well, I can worry about that later!'

Draken exclaimed suddenly, breaking her chain of thought like-

'Time for company movie night!'

She sighed again, that had been such a promising simile too.


	2. Movie night

A/N

So it goes without saying that I don't own Rocky either. The scene to which I refer can be viewed on youtube (simply search for 'Rocky Balboa training scene' and it's the first hit), probably worth watching to make some sense of what follows (at least as much as is possible)...

Chapter 2

Not like she had anything better to do on a Wednesday anyway, she thought. Not that she had been laughed out of some of her usual hangouts. She just... found them dull and... wanted a change. And stuff. She and Drakken led the way into the theatre lobby followed, like some surrealist parody of ducklings, by their motley collection of burley henchmen. While Drakken whined and complained to the server about the absence of his favourite slushy flavour [A/N – icey in America? Ground ice with sugar and fruit juice], she broke up a fight between two henchmen over who got to hold their shared popcorn. The glare she used left the smoking remains of their crushed spirits plastered to the far wall, and reduced an army major standing in line behind them to tears. When she heard them scuffle after she turned back again the plasma blast she used left the smoking remains of the popcorn plastered over the army major. He performed a tactical withdrawal to hide in a closet somewhere, sucking his thumb. But then she turned to Drakken again, and he handed her a large bag of her favourite confections and she smiled. As they entered the theatre proper, they really did look like the sort of happily dysfunctional family of which sitcom gold is made.

After a certain amount of confused shuffling, a brief and unofficial game of musical chairs and a rock paper scissors contest between two more henchmen to see who got to sit next to Shego, Drakken turned to the henchmen who bought the tickets:

'So Big Mike, what are we going to be watching tonight? It better not be another one of those aweful 'Bricks of Fury' films! I hate them! They're dull, predictable and hopelessly unrealistic! The good guys always win!'

No one, not even Shego, had the heart to point out the irony in his words. Shego might have berated him for a needless rant, but at that moment a promising trailer for a RomCom came on and she merely shushed him. Mike whispered

'Rocky Balboa, boss.'

'Hmm never heard of him, who is this Balboa?'

'Keep it down!'

An authoritative, female hiss cut in.

'An old boxer, boss – he's got some issues, no self respect, that kinda thing.'

'Sounds like a bit of a wimp to me! – sorry Shego'

'So he gets back in the ring, boss – fights some younger guy'

'Well, we all know how that feels... hmm, this could be interesting'

Drakken did indeed find it interesting by and large. Oddly, he seemed to miss parts of it, becoming aware that his hand and Shego's had somehow moved into an awkward sort of clasp. When they happened to glance across at one another and their eyes met, each scowled and pulled away, leaving Drakken confused and Shego disgusted with such sentimentality. Gradually though, Drakken got more involved in the film, feeling an odd sort of affinity for the aging boxer portrayed.

The scene changed. It cut to a very functional looking gym, with a replica of a large barbell dangling from the sign outside.

'You know all there is to know about fighting...'

Drakken was cynical – how could an old man hope to compete like he had? Even with all those assorted hangers on to encourage him? As the rousing words continued to wash over him however, he began to feel optimistic, almost euphoric. The man might not be fast but he was going to play to his strengths! He was going to do what was necessary to make his attacks _count_. No way was one jumped up, all that teen going to beat him! The line between fiction and reality now thoroughly blurred in Drakken's mind he heard the line:

'Yeah! Let's start building. Some. Hurting. Bombs!'

Inspirational music cut in, as the old man started a variety of difficult exercises. That 'all that' teen was also training he saw, but along different lines. He sat taller in his seat – this was it! As the man's feats grew more and more impressive, he became more and more certain. A sure fire way to get his evil mojo back! At the end of the sequence he stood, hands raised up, emulating the character on the screen and gave a whoop. Though the audience's consternation did not return him to the proper position, Shego's swift chop to his nether region (followed by a deft shove) was rather more effective.

Understandably subdued for some time after that, he missed much of what followed. He missed the rest while attempting to apply the remains of his slushy to numb the continued throbbing, without drawing the attention of his colleagues to the fact, or leaving embarrassing wet patches. Shego missed most of the end too, occupied as she was covertly observing his various efforts, while masterfully controlling her impulse to laugh like a maniac.

As they left the film Drakken, now recovered and with his voice once more in the proper octave was once more possessed of the enthusiasm he had shown during the film. His best evil smile on his face, (causing several mothers with younger daughters in the lobby to shy away), he said:

'What can we learn from this film, Shego?'

'Oh oh, let me guess! That Dr. D needs to remember the difference between fiction and reality? No no, don't tell me! That he could simply have put the cup between his legs?'

'Argh! No Shego!'

Drakken was outraged! She had seen! But he had been so subtle! Shego, of course, had simply been covering up her true answer 'well, whaddya know? Guess grizzled old men can look attractive after all'. Oblivious, frustrated, Drakken continued on:

'No, Shego; to improve my evil rapidly, all I need is a montage!'

She looked outright stunned at this, and decided to point out the obvious before he jumped off the deep end:

'But they're a cinematic device! They aren't real – you can't just cut and paste appropriate scenes from your life!'

Rubbing his hands together in delighted anticipation he laughed:

'Ha! You'll see! I think it's time I refined my pan dimensional vortex ray...'


	3. Montage plagiarism

**A/N**

Yet another I don't own – this time it's the montage song. But I'm sure Drakken doesn't know he's plagiarising, and would only regard it as a good thing if he had.

In the montage section, I urge you to spend some time trying to visualize it. I will do my best but I'm no Shakespeare – and I can imagine if the creators of the show did this, it would be painfully funny. I know they did something similar in one episode (2 to tutor? – whichever it is, it is funny all by itself) but here's my crack at it anyway:

**Chapter 3**

Drakken was scribbling furiously, again keeping up his personal, semi coherent muttering talk. It helped him to think, and to infuriate lesser minds.

'hmm yes... lots of things... happening at once... yes, I see it now! Every shot... a little improvement... can't take too long, got to deal with her... all that teen... show her'

'What'ya doin' Dr. D?'

Shego interrupted, as much to break the logorrheic flow as for the insight. He looked over his shoulder, of course, always eager to demonstrate his competence, especially to her.

'Compiling the elements needed for a successful montage'

Shego placed her hands on her hips, and cocked an eyebrow as her habitual cynicism took over:

'No offense Dr. D, but how're you gonna manage a montage... in real life!'

Drakken stood and turned, breaking into his expository monologue with the ease of the true artist. With a faint tone of defiance that dared Shego to object and a few large, vague hand gestures he said:

'Simple, Shego – I film the short clips I require, and assemble a cinematic montage. Then I tune the vortex gun to generate a field, with the wave-pattern tuned to exactly represent the complete montage. With the improvements I made to the ray, rather than being trapped in that transient dimension, I will pass through it, absorbing all those skills my fictitious montage self would have acquired'

Shego appeared to contemplate this for a moment. Techno babble had never really been her thing, but her long association with Drakken allowed her to grasp the fundamentals. With some trepidation, aware as she was that it was tempting fate to show optimism towards his plans, she replied:

'OK, I wouldn't call that 'simple' Dr. D, but it sounds like it might work... I think.'

Irritated, Drakken folded his arms and scowled. Metaphorically speaking, a scantily clad woman holding a large 'Round one' sign walked across in front of them. There was also a ping. It wasn't metaphorical; a henchman had been microwaving a corn dog. But it did its best to contribute to the ambiance all the same. With a trace of sarcasm, Drakken countered:

'Such confidence, Shego! Couldn't you show a little more?'

'Sure boss! I'm so confident I even think this might be almost as good as, oh I don't know... doing the training!'

On the last phrase, she thrust her head forward and raised her voice, to emphasise her concern. Indignantly he turned away in a manner that might have qualified as the beginnings of a flounce, had he not banned 'the f- word' from his lab, not considering it a proper description for serious, manly villain such as himself. He petulantly responded:

'Don't be silly – I will accomplish far more this way'

'I'm sure. So – what training will you be doing? Candy from babies?'

She rocked back and folded her arms, with a smirk. Though which way the round had gone would be a decision for the judges, she was satisfied with her performance. She had meant it as a joke, of course, and was slightly taken aback when he turned to her with a delighted smile:

'I knew I could count on your evil, Shego!'

The next day, Drakken compiled his clips: bustling around the lab; struggling to move heavy bits of equipment into place; cursing loudly; receiving several mysterious packages; dropping some; cursing loudly; fiddling with camera equipment; hitting bits of camera equipment with a large hammer, and cursing loudly. All fairly standard stuff. Shego, meanwhile, finally made her long planned attempt on the coveted high score, comfortably ensconced in a charity store cast off armchair ('look Shego! Villainous lairs don't grow on trees; how will I be able to build a death ray if we spend the entire budget on a sun bed! What are we going to do, give Kim Possible heatstroke!'). Again, fairly standard, apart from a couple of occasions when Drakken poked her with an electric prod, maintaining an air of considerable deliberation, until she threw plasma blasts at him. Strangely he looked satisfied with this arrangement, unwelcome as people usually found it. That was weird in itself. The freaky part was when he (after one light char grilling, usually considered sufficient) came back and repeated the procedure, with a little more success. Shego sighed – no accounting for the whims of mad scientists; as she often liked to complain to the agony aunt in Villain weekly.

After a night of fervent video editing ('I might be an evil genius but those Adobe programmers are clearly horrifically warped sadists!'), the finished article was ready for viewing. Drakken was ecstatic, badgering them all constantly to see his genius work of cinematography. So it was that Shego, (much against her better judgement), along with a few curious henchmen gathered around a screen and began to watch:

As the first notes of 'Gonna Fly Now' blared out, there was a shot of Drakken on a stool; hunched over, dejected. Then big Mike (who had been working for his overtime bonus), slapped him encouragingly on the back. Drakken stood with an air of great purpose and determination. The next shot was him attempting to snatch a lollipop from a hand small hand protruding from a crib. Somehow, it was always moved out of the way at the last moment. After only a moment, the scene changed to Drakken attempting to kick a puppy. It too dodged, biting him on the ankle.

Another rapid cut and Drakken was in gym wear, bench pressing a small weight and wearing a pained expression normally associated with the more advanced forms of dysentery. Then he was seen standing in front of a blackboard of complex equations, scribbling furiously. But the result on the bottom was that apparently one and two were equal, no doubt giving both numbers severe identity crises.

The film returned to the crib, Drakken's attire now more rumpled. This time Drakken snatched the lolly on the second attempt. Shortly thereafter he kicked a puppy. He was then seen reading the third volume of '_Encyclopaedia Sinistre_' but suddenly big Mike appeared and yanked a copy of 'pulp villain' from the pages, fixing Drakken with a steely look. Drakken returned to reading with a nervous glance up. Next was the shot of Shego attacking Drakken, and him attempting to dodge ('he was filming that!'), with a predictably charred resulting shot.

As the music continued to rise, Drakken was seen cracking sachets of 'Coco Moo' into a beaker of milk. Interspersed with a more successful attempt at dodging Shego's attacks, and him bench pressing a larger weight, he downed the frothy liquid with visible effort.

As the music built to a crescendo, once more he stood before a blackboard covered in complex scribbles, but this time looking confident. He was holding armfuls of sweets, surrounded by a plethora of screaming children. A puppy went sailing over the top of an American football goal. He was bench pressing two tonnes. Admittedly the camera panned to show his powered exoskeleton but; what's the point of being a villain if you don't get to cheat needlessly?

As the music died Drakken stood exultant:

'With the power of this montage, I will be unstoppable! Hahahaha!'

His henchmen applauded enthusiastically, and even Shego looked a little impressed. Less so, when he continued:

'Now I just need to boot up my experimental vortex gun. Big Mike, turn on the prototype nuclear generator!'

She left the room with a surprising turn of speed, even for her. She watched at a safe distance in the hover car. But rather than the small mushroom cloud she had expected as a best case scenario, or the black hole she had put down as the worst case, there was a flash of blue light and a burst of laughter so loud, she was still glad she had fled the lab

When she returned she saw Drakken standing there, grinning hugely. He was excited – it had worked! He felt fast, he felt strong, he felt smart. It was so good! Of course it was evil, not good but such words tend to have looser (or even equivalent) definitions in the minds of arch villains. He cackled:

'I think it time for some evil!'

From the attitude in which he stood, she guessed his thought:

'Dr. D, this isn't a montage any more, the camera can't pan in on your eyes dramatically!'


	4. The scheme begins

**A/N**

I guess this chapter will be more typical KP. Hope it's still enjoyable. Please review!

**Chapter 4**

'Never mind that now Shego!'

He exclaimed jubilantly:

'I have a scheme so diabolical that the devil himself will contact the FCC when he hears it!'

Shego was impressed; his declaration of a new plan was not following the usual 'and it's my best yet' formula. Maybe that declaration was a jinx in itself; this was always a good sign with him. Unfortunately for the optimism poking it's snout into her mind like a cautious rodent coming out of its burrow, Drakken's next words sent it scuttling away again like a shotgun blast:

'And a serious scheme requires serious equipment. Men-'

The term being a rather generous description of their henchmen in his and Shego's opinion, but he had to build their morale. Shego quirked an eyebrow and everyone with a Y chromosome in the room flinched, apart from Drakken who continued smoothly:

'-and Shego, I require 2 ordinary desktop computers; three new Hyperion bio-interface chips; some energy drink with dangerously high levels of caffeine; a copy of '_C+ for dummies';_ a selection of biocompatible electrodes; all the you can Cheetos buy, and the foremost neurosurgeon for cerebral cortex repair.'

The rest of the room looked about as shell shocked as the rodent did, after narrowly escaping gunfire. Or would have looked, had it not been a simile. Drakken looked slightly crestfallen – his shoulders slumped and his smile waivered. Could none of them see the genius of his plan yet? The potential for vast riches? For unchallenged world domination! He would not allow his pique to show, he told himself. Whether or not he succeeded as turned his folded his arms and dramatically turned his head away is debatable. Shego sighed:

'Whatever you say, Dr. D'

'And don't forget Coco Moo either, I went through most of it making that montage!'

After the thieving trip, (like a shopping trip, but with less waiting around at the checkout), Drakken sat in front of the computers constantly for two days straight, gibbering, stuffing his face with crisps and caffeine and tapping away at the keyboards. Shego approached him then and saw his hands were shaking slightly and his brow clammy. He clearly hadn't washed either, very apparent in the muggy heat of their jungle lair ('honestly, how hard is it for the air conditioning team to get out here! It's only 300 miles from the nearest major population centre!'). She caused him to jump visibly when she tapped him on the shoulder:

'Dr. D, stop!'

'Damn it Shego, what is it?'

He said, trying to regain a small amount of dignity. She grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and dragged him firmly in the direction of the showers. This was potentially going to take a while and she shouldn't have to be subjected to a chemical warfare agent:

'You need to wash, then we need to talk. Mucho problemo with your grand plan!'

'What is it Shego, I was _working_ there?'

Business like, she spun him and shoved him gently into a shower cubicle. Through the door she had to raise her voice:

'Actually Dr. D I meant to ask – why the junk food stuff?'

'Authenticity Shego; if I learned anything in my montage it was to do things right. All the best programming is done under those conditions.'

Through the door, his voice came back muffled, but at least she could freely roll her eyes at yet another quir-

'And don't roll your eyes Shego! You are, aren't you? Grr'

A short while later, in an altogether more hygienic state (Shego had felt the need to change her gloves after handling Drakken), they continued their discussion.

'Well then Shego, what is this problem'

'Yeah... the top brain surgeon you wanted; turns out its Dr. Anne Possible.'

Drakken's fists balled in frustration:

'Argh – Possibles, why does it have to be Possibles? Infernal clan... still she will be critical to my plan'

'Can't you find someone else?'

'No – she will have to operate on my brain. Have to be careful with the merchandise Shego!'

On simple reflex, she needled:

'Oh yes, your brain – that priceless artefact.'

Only then did she realise the normal implications of the phrase. She fought a hard internal battle to keep her face straight as amusement vied with mild revulsion at the thought. Still, she reflected, at least he did actually use his brain for the thinking, rather than letting his 'artefact' do it for him... Oblivious, Drakken responded:

'Zip the lip Shego! This is important. We will have to modify my plan to get Kim Possible out of the picture sooner... Also to ensure Dr. Possible's cooperation.'

Shego was mildly impressed. She had been expecting to have to point at least one of those flaws out herself. Maybe that montage experiment actually did its work? Drakken was talking again:

'So, we each have things to do...'

At that point a henchman passing the small office they were sitting in and, curious, tried to listen in ahead of time to the bosses' plans. The powerful force of dramatic tension intervened at that point, causing him to stumble and hit the door lock auto cycle. Now sonically insulated from the outside world, Shego and Drakken continued to talk for some time. The evil smile on Drakken's face was gradually joined by one on Shego's, as his words chased away her puzzled frown. Observers who knew her mannerisms well (consisting in fact, of no-one else, with the possible exception of Drakken) would have been severely concerned for the safety of the Possibles and the world, at the sight.


End file.
